living on a surface
2008-02-16 @ 7:08P

Six more days and then I get to meet up with Jess, hit the bus and get tickets to the hottest night of our lives. I can`t wait: nobody understands why & I really never do say that expression: never say never I suppose.
It`s cold but at least I`ve got my new robe to keep me warm on the fourteenth of february: I would much rather draw no attention to it. I don`t like giving things publicity for free unless it`s something I feel that deserves it. I`ve done my rants about valentines and "vday" but the only way people are going to stop is if you just forget. The media is proving that to be impossible - the couples who get sucked into it sicken me.
I need to revive this diary. Nothing good has been coming of it for a long time and that needs to change. Maybe I will make a new one - I`ve said that before but in time I always end up coming back here.
We`ve been watching a lot of movies lately - comedies. I`m trying to get my life back on track and it`s proving more difficult than I had anticipated. Maybe I need more friends or maybe I just need more faith in myself? Or maybe I should just move on and blame it entirely on my past life that is still affecting me. I don`t have the time to be angry anymore.
Some days I wish I`d never been born. Does that alone make me suicidal? I hope none of my friends or anyone I know reads this anymore. Sometimes I am afraid to put things down because I never want to tell my friends and family how I am feeling on the inside. I am stuck in a downward spiral and would love for it to change and then the "dark side" kicks in and my ego is much too large. I`m working on it.
Ultimately I just want everything to work out. I`ve read a lot of books - all have affected the way of my thinking: even the ones a lot of people would consider harmful or meaningless like Dracula and Harry Potter. I just want to remain open minded. Once you close your mind you`re better off dead.

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