I don't know if I've ever wanted something so much before in my life. &like every child I've had pleasure from material items & the love & affection from family members but this is different. It's more than just something you need to survive. I find myself repeating over & over in my head how much I need it. But I don't.
I've already gone this long without being in
love. Hell; I miss it, but I'm still living. It's as if I tricked myself into believe something that isn't true, but if I believe it than how can that be so?
I have never hated this feeling of being alone so much before in my entire life. I used to love being single so much, & I didn't want to have to deal with all the the relationship problems & mistakes & issues & buying presents, but at that time I never saw the good side either. That I'd learn somebody actually cares for me, & that I don't have to feel alone. I despise knowing that I once had these feelings & am now so entirely empty. I have to give up now; not for the rest of my life, but I do. I hate that I can't work on this or take any action. That I have to get used to everything just coming to me... that worked so much better when I was actually happy & didn't have to fake it. I thought I could continue to fake it, but people are starting to see through me, & now I'm going to have to adapt.
I hate this. I never wanted to become this person. Entity of hate & depression & lonliness.
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