My Happiness
2006-11-19 @ 2:55P

It would make me feel so much better if I could only talk to someone &patch up everything that's missing in my life. Some people listen but they just don't understand - they try & I'll give them that but knowing from experience & having someone explain to you what they feel are 2 very different things. I can't exactly explain how I feel because I don't know the words. If I did that maybe I wouldn't always be speaking & typing so frantically to try & get it down & get it out of my brain. I thought that by this time I'd be closer to getting over him & sometimes it feels like I'm drifting farther away from my own insanity.. like it's verging on an obsession & I don't want that to start up.

Every day I have to hold my breath for an instant, sometimes longer because my heart starts to skip a beat. Sometimes I just have to stop & think about what I'm exactly doing & it never feels like the right thing. He has no idea what it feels like to see someone you love care about someone else. It's one of the worst feelings that I've ever experienced & sometimes I wonder if ever dating again will be worth it. If I'm only going to end up getting hurt what's the point anymore.

I feel so empty & alone. I feel like I'll never be fulfilled again, & although everyone tells me I will find something & that I will have a happy ending: I don't know if I can believe them. That's always been the hardest part. When I don't believe in myself & I know I should, but can't since a part of me has been taken away & replaced with nothing.
I'm still working on my bonds with friends although it feels like I only have a few - but I still have that emptiness that I doubt I will be able to find as quickly as I'd like to. But we all know that the best things always come to you when you aren't looking for them.

Close my eyes to all future possibilities, & let them come on their own.

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