From the Inside
2006-04-21 @ 9:48 p.m.

Why do boys hide their feelings so much more than girls? Is it fear of what somebody will think of them? I hate it when guys do that.
I wish love could be taken like injections. You wouldn't need anyone else except your doctor who'd perscribe it. You would never depend on anyone to always be there or the extra friend to help you recover from the fall afterwards. There would just be a slight feeling on withdrawl. But even that's a lot better than having your heart broken.
I know that a broken heart can be healed if you have the right tape. Mine was. But really, being honest it's only a waste of time & energy: because the person who helps you recover will only hurt you twice as bad. I feel like I have no heart anymore & I'm never fully giving myself to anyone again - ever. I don't care how much I was supposedly loved anymore, I'm just grateful to have someone at least pretend that they actually cared for me. Nobody has loved me so I can't expect anything more. Just growing to appreciate myself again is going to be hard. I look in the mirror & can't help but think I've done everything wrong. I hate what I see again but this time I know nothing is going to help it. Not even surgery could.
It's days like these when I hate being a teenager. You feel all emotions twice as hard & never ever recover. It's a regular routine to cry yourself to sleep every night & wake up frozen & shaking every morning.
The truth is I'm not even sure if I want to meet my soulmate anymore. If the guys I've loved have been this great so far but never cared for me in the slightest, how could anyone else? I'm so worried I'll never have anyone to run to. I never forgive anyone once they break a promise to me & seth has done so & betrayed me now too. I have no idea what to pray for anymore. Happiness? What's the sense in being happy if you have nobody to be happy with? Maybe death. Suicide looks pretty good on me right now don't you think?

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