There is an unopened bottle of 500 tablets of painkillers sitting in my bathroom only a few feet away. A part of me really wants to overdose & get in the bathtub to drown myself. & the other part of me simply wants to sit & look at old notes, cards, & photographs of memories I'm glad to have.
I want to start a new life but at the same time I also want the life that I had back. I always dwell in the past & I've never thought of that as a positive thing until today. If I tried to erase & forget my past I wouldn't be so disciplined or determined now. I always remember how I can very quickly turn back into the person I was. & I've even demonstrated that to myself. But it always feels that the worst things that can happen occur at the worst possible times. I was recovering, & then I'm hit with it.
I want love or death at this point. I'm getting scared for myself just thinking that I might not have love to look forward to in my life anymore. In a friendship, family, or significant other.
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