one too many mornings
2008-03-04 @ 7:57P

I`ve just been in my bedroom for two hours: sitting, & thinking. Every new apartment we move into I have a knack for choosing the coldest room as my bedroom. Of course the heat is never on high enough & you can feel the cool breeze from outside rushing in through the crappy old wooden excuse of a window. But I don`t mind it at all.
I guess I sat there so long because I was waiting to have some sort of epiphany. Eventually I conjured up my senses & played some music to help my mood a little...when my knuckles finally turned white & my toes curled under my feet I decided to read the book I`ve been meaning to re-read for weeks. & then everything came back to me: it was just a bad day, sometimes it lasts longer than others but bad days don`t go on forever.
Sometimes I look for death in all the wrong places. The truth is: the largest comfort I have in life is that I know there will always be death in the end; it`s perfect actually. The problem is I`ve been living for everyone else & I need to start living for myself - there are going to be tons of things I`ll do that my parents won`t like or things I won`t do that they would wish I had but I`m not here to live my life for them & I would hate to meet my end knowing I never once lived for myself.
At least I`ve made that decision. I may not know where I`m headed with my life, but I have a few goals regardless & completing them is enough tasks for me right now- i think it`s time to start being happy again.
I wonder if all of my former classmates put so much thought into their future; maybe it`s better not to think at all.

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