2006-04-22 @ 8:45P

I laid broken on my bed with swollen eyes as hot tears streamed down my cold cheeks. Nobody cares. They're all still excited from the 4:20 long weekend. & all I can think about is how many times I've been rejected. I lost count after several minutes & resumed crying silently. Perhaps people think that I don't need their help but I don't have a clue why they would get that impression. The orange-blue glow mixed with smoke dances in front of my closed window but the blinds only let one corner of my room light up for it to shine through. I wonder I'm not good enough. I've never been beautiful but it isn't like boys have ever been encouraging either. I want to be loved & egardless of the reason I'm not with Justin right now because this kind of thing happens to everyone & it's simply going to be another issue for me to deal with. Even though I've dragged a razor or two across my skin, & stuck a few fingers deep down my throat the underlying issue has always been guys. They're the influence but I don't care because I want one I can touch, care for, love, & vice versa. I lay there - lost & alone without anyone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. For once in my life I had control, & then I stepped outside my door.
I've decided to make a new goal & meanwhile try to forget about guys for a few months. I desire so many other things in life right now & if I can have those than I can have someone to care for me, can't I?
Eventually I stopped crying & ate some chocolate but it never really helped. Why did I have to leave myself?

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