2006-03-18 @ 10:21 p.m.

A couple of days ago there must have been about five nights when the moon was shining directly through my window. The moon never gives off light into my bedroom so that was a nice change.
I don't know what to do lately. Some days I feel completely dejected & hated-like all people ever want me for is to put me down & use me to boost their own confidence. Even my parents do it now & they don't care if I get hurt. But it does hurt. I think maybe if I had a more plastic look people would like me better. My friend agrees & thinks the same. I don't understand why everyone feels the need to be so hurtful & yet I do it too & have no idea why. But we've been watching each others thoughts more lately-I'm beginning to hate television/cable/whatever. I never realized before how badly it can brainwash a person until now. I'd love to do an experiment with about five people & making them all watch completely different types of shows for at least a month. I've already eliminated watching any news channels or even breif commercials. & I'm starting to not watch any commercials at all. I don't even watch that much TV [four actual shows to be precise-it adds up to about 3hours per week] but I can tell how it changes your mood & makes you think a certain way. I like to believe that I have some control over my thoughts but by exposing myself to less negativity will hopefully help me to being less hurtful. I think maybe that's why everyone left me for those last couple months. I'd really hate to add something like abuse to my autobiography. Why can't anyone tell me the truth-even if it hurts?

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