2005-10-22 @ 10:17 p.m.
It is...difficult for me to know how to begin this entry. I have so much I need to tell & much more to talk to others about. God has given me everything I've asked for so far in my lifetime. & I wonder on what I have to screw up next, yet; I hope I do not fail at all. But that may as well be as good as false hope.
I've been having some...changes in me. It's not mood swings, it's just my mood changes drastically everday & I feel as if I cannot control it. There are things I want to do that I cannot get done because of the emotions I get in.
For example, even the simpliest things can change my mood. I know it isn't SAD or anything, but Friday I had a generally good day- I was angry at times but it was otherwise good. Friday night- I did not want to end. I thought it was somehow perfectly imperfect & so I went to sleep with a smile on my face, but as Saturday came, I began to dwell on the fact that Friday night will now only be a memory. I was saddened by this & started to take things out on myself as usual. I did that instead of remembering it & accepting & enjoying it.
It also seems to me, that no matter what I do I can never be good enough in one aspect or some way. It hurts & yet I feel like even that is my fault & I blame everything on myself.
I need to know what's changed in me. Has anything?
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