When I start to get over everything that happened to me in the past year things turn around: they start to look up more dramatically than ever & I think it's me getting over it & letting go. Then it starts to come back & I hold those happy feelings in my mind for as long as I can. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. After it comes back & develops for a few months it totally releases: leaving me alone & helpless as well as hopeless. I'm in that state right now. I've tried to break out & just when I was ready to touch the surface it's as if a big hand comes down on me & pushes me back in.

fucking matrix

I'm afraid now. I'm afraid that that hand will come back & push me down even farther. Everything comes at once like this & I'm having a hard time accepting that I am what's causing it - sometimes I doubt that is even true. I'm trying to get over everything that's been going on: I'm trying to move on & let go & be happy & positive & keep a clear head & empty mind but that fear is keeping me from loving & now I'm not so sure I know how to get to the surface anymore.