I got rid of another journal yesterday. I'm quite proud of the amount I'm able to fill & then dispose of. Although I still have the fears of someone finding it & God knows do what with it. But everything remains in the past now.
In the course of this month I've found that I'm much more gentle with my body than I have been in the past. Inflicting wounds &bruises on myself was not something I deserved. Although the espression of physical pain seemed to take away the emotional frustration. It's kind of soothing &is particularily helpful in grieving situations. Which is a little how I feel right now.
Some days it becomes too difficult for me to torture myself when I don't know what I'm being punished for. I've laid in bed all day with nothing to eat but bread &milk before, &only getting up to use the bathroom probably to dry up all the tears or wash off the blood stained skin.
I cut myself shaving while I was showering tonight. &the sight of my own blood made me feel dizzy &sick. To be honest I thought I was stronger than that. I mean I've seen blood gush from a wound down the drain &bloody lines on my skin but I couldn't handle a little cut from shaving. I guess it all depends on you intention &what you're feeling &thinking at the moment.
I think I'm starting to make peace with the fact that nobody cares about me, but me.
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