Where would my life be without hate? Thinking, I hate myself and everyone around me. It’s mutual affection. & it never used to matter. All of the sudden it does. But I’ve never been very good at keeping my emotions in. So then I shake
& brake
& fake it
Again.
These feelings are so junior high. What the fuck is wrong with me? & why can’t I be what I was?
Every night I think about breaking out the razors again. Every single night. & I know something’s wrong with me when I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling something negative. I look & see marks that haven’t healed & I regret, but then I get angry at myself again & continuing to look all I can see are the flaws that I created.
Morphed disgusting monster I once was & still am. Deep deep down.
I hate that fact.
I hate it all.
I hate having so much regret
& I hated it when all I had were the friends and the goddamn injections to make me happy.
Now I would love it if I had either of those.
& I wish I had the pity.
Disclaimer
It is your choice whether or not to read this diary. The most I can ask is that you do not question me about it - I would rather not know if you have been reading it at all or even how you came to find it. Everything I have posted in this diary is what I had been thinking at the exact time I posted it. This diary is for me personally, and me alone. If I have written something you dislike: stop reading.
9:20 p.m.
Self-Made
