2008-11-02 @ 8:55P

i decided to take up tanning again. i say that as if it were a hobby because it kind of is. There is a lot of upkeep to it, but i like the sunkissed look every once in awhile. Doesn`t mean i won`t suddenly stop & go back to being pale. i used to stay pale because my boyfriend liked goth girls. i guess you could have called me goth at one point in my life. Sometimes my skin looks so pale it`s almost grey. i still call him my boyfriend, oops. i guess i`ll never get totally over it. i`m not that girl anymore & i don`t want to be. i hope that`s a step in the right direction. Some days i want to be unbreakable - i don`t want to let him & all that pain i`ve got on the account of him dictate to me how i should look. i would love to physically say "i`m over it" without actually having to believe it. Some day when i`m ready i know i will. i just hope that day is soon. When i did this before my friend would say he looks & likes the changes despite of what 'his type' is - i don`t really know what that says about us. i know this won`t work because i`ve done it before but the results don`t matter to me now; i just need to feel like i`m doing something i should be & that is how i felt when i chopped off my nails, my hair.
Nothing makes me more insecure than being dumped & i`ve experienced that enough times to have no self esteem at all even in doing this if i could just feel a little bit better it`d be worth it. i wonder if other people are like that as well. My friends will break up with their boyfriends & it doesn`t seem to affect them at all. Maybe they are just stronger emotionally than i am. i`m sure everyone has the same problems we all just experience them differently.
all it does. all it does is make you spend so much money you have none saved. all it does is make you slather on makeup until you can`t see your own face. The right clothes & makeup are supposed to make you look better. all it does is provoke that ufly voice in your head when you look at that reflection telling you the same things the people who hate you do. all it does is make you want to eat all day & not eat at all. all it does is make you want to torture yourself. all it does is make you want to drink til you can`t feel a thing. all it does. i just want to forget. when i look back i wass a different person then. i didn`t always hate myself. it`s odd to love life so much & then hate yourself. i never want to blame anyone for my feelings. it just feels like a burden. it sounds terrible; like something a killer would say, but i`m always cold on the inside - despite being so emotional. every emotion i have it feels like cold air surrounds it. i look back although it hurts & think what if i caused this. i don`t know. what if i`m a victim of my own doing? i don`t like thinking that but who would? victims can be so weak. i felt weak for years. it`s time to move on. it hurts to think i could have brought all this on myself. nevertheless the damage has been done. There is a reason for everything.
Some people try to tell me it`s bad for my health but i don`t care. No physical pain could be as hurtful as the pain i have felt inside in the past. Sometimes i wish it was physical pain i had experienced than i would have known how to handle it better. Live & learn i suppose. This is my vow to protect myself better in the future.
i don`t mind the beds anyway - gotta die from something.

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