a start
2007-06-30 @ 9:58P

Before all of this about five years ago I never would have thought that getting dumped would have done so much to me. I never would have thought that I wouldn't be able to bounce back & be fine - shake guys right out of my hair so to speak... but it's not at all what I thought it would be. A long time ago I never even thought I would ever feel what love with someone outside of my own family would be like.

I'm still not so sure I have felt what I thought I had.
Now I have all of these fears that I probably wouldn't have developed (who knows?) & I'm not blaming this all on one person... I can't. As much as I am embarrassed for ever opening up & letting someone get so close to me it is not all my fault for how this is going. My ways of coping (& supposed recovery) is all me to blame, but I'm not the only one at fault here. I feel as if I'm the only one who's hurt but some say otherwise.
I don't really think I want to know which is correct.

The problem now is all these fears I've created & cannot seem to get rid of. I barely allow myself happiness. I have grown so much to accept criticisms of myself from others & become even more critical of myself alone... before I would dismiss any negative comments I heard about me - knowing that they couldn't be true or I wouldn't believe in them.
I don't love myself anymore. Even though before there were things I didn't like - I still didn't hate myself because of it. I just tried to be grateful & happy for what I had & hope for the best.

Things did turn around.
Things are better for me now than probably ever.
My life is lacking in some parts but I can cope. I have all the basic neccessities I need in order to live & feel safe.
I don't really have that much to complain about, but somehow it always finds a way in this online space.
It's funny how you can turn nothing into something in a bare matter of minutes.
In the (near) future: I want to be me again.
I would like to be able to feel love for myself & others. I would like to be able to look in the mirror & like what I see. I would like to have no regrets ( or less ). I would like to be more confident in myself.
I would like to be happier overall & get rid of this mode of depression I've been stuck in.
I would like to be able to write & speak well to others on a personal & professional level.
I would like to develop a career.
I would like to find someone I can come close to opening up to.
I would like to have a best friend again.
I would love to pursue art & improve my work.
& perhaps most of all I would love to make peace with my mistakes & faults & regrets. & possibly have all the people I have ever wronged forgive me.

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