2007-06-28 @ 11:35A

I was looking through my calender on my computer this morning while having the best smoke I've had all week. I toggled through from December 6/05 until now. I've been single for a year & six months now. Wrote that on the calender only one time. I did not have the 6th of December marked on the calender I remembered that purely out of my mental & emotional attachment to the day. I've been sadly alone for the most recent of these six months - happily alone for the first year. Looking at that from the outside it would not make any sense because it appears that my stage of being depressed & heartbroken is over. But it's not. I knew it would take me awhile to heal & talking to people about it has not really been helping. I thought like what everyone said: it would be easier with time & that works several ways...
It's been easier as time goes by in that I've spent less time thinking about the past & all the what ifs, & what-could-have-beens... but it's been much harder to get back on my feet.
I'm not used to it & extremely used to it at the same time. Except now: I have a fear of entering any relationship & I have no person to thank for that. This entry gets hard to write as I go on - I've thought about dating & relationships more in the past six months than in my entire lifetime. I now have worry & pain & fear behind me: I could be heartbroken a third time & either never fall in love again, or die from it. Each time it feels like it gets worse & love is not something I want to face again.

Starting today I'm marking something new on my calender: I'm going to have more goals & more completed tasks overall so that when days like today come & the fear, hurt, worry, anxiety, & pain all well up inside me I won't have so much to look down on.

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