Horror Show
2006-12-23 @ 7:30P

Yeah so I've pretty much become obsessed with my appearance. I think I am even developing a compulsive disorder to look in the mirror at every chance I get. Sometimes I will leave during class just to go to the bathroom & look at myself in the mirror, although now I carry two mirrors around in my bag anyway. Though the fact that I am noticing this means I can probably still prevent it if I try - I don't want to be too self obsessed... do I?
I don't go outside without makeup on anymore. & now my perception of myself is affecting the way I eat & my diet. Not the way it has before, but I count my calories & if I think my skin is looking dry I'll have a lot of water & if I think I'm losing weight I will eat a lot of fatty foods because I know I'm already on the low side of a normal BMI. At first I thought me caring was a good thing... because I looked better. Now I'm not so sure it's good for my mental health.
I notice that when I went shopping at the mall last week every other guy seemed to be checking me out, but I still didn't feel right. I'm more comfortable wearing heels & some days instead of spending my lunchtime eating - I'll go for a little walk. I hope this doesn't get anymore serious -
I like the changes I've been making although I haven't really felt I was ugly (at least on the outside) in quite a long time. Maybe I'm too worried about making a good first impression, but I know that this does have to do with my need for recognition. I want to get one compliment everyday, it's hard but i try some days I feel desperate & I can't believe this is actually me writing these things in my diary. All of these new ideas & changes just sort of happened slowly - gradually & now I notice them when I can finally sit down at the computer & spill out my thoughts. I'm worried that I won't have a date for prom - last year that would have sounded ridiculous to me considering how far away it is - but now with everyone already talking about it & people already asking ...I'm scared. I don't want to go alone. I don't want to be alone & I don't want people to think that I can't get anyone... I feel so confused right now & writing in this thing isn't helping me this time I really need to calm down... I bet I will look back on this & judge myself.. getting too stressed out.. I shouldn't be worried deep down & I know I shouldn't but this little obsession that is slowly devouring me says differently. My hands are cramping up from typing this so quickly..... ok i don't think i held back enough

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