Crash Angel
2006-12-13 @ 7:50P

I'm so confused, lost, frustrated, excited, tempted... I'm not even exactly sure how I feel in this moment. There are so many curiosities running through my head - I wonder if what I asked for is coming back to me again or if it's just wishful thinking. I wonder if people are actually taking interest in me or just pretending to - to make themselves look better? There is so much I feel like I need, want, have to, must know that my brain might explode. I'm forced to swallow my words before I choke & calm myself down to hope that maybe venting in this diary will help something. I hope that maybe I can look back on this diary & figure out what exactly it was that I was feeling in this moment & understand & accept why I was feeling the way that I am. But I'm just beginning to confuse myself by rambling on like this I doubt I would remember what I'm even ranting over.

I miss the feelings those guys gave me. & it's simply amazing how high one conversation can get me or how low one look can make me feel. I don't know how to feel right now - most of all I'm just trying to be happy... I think it's working. I always tried to remember to Fake it til i make it I think I might almost be there. I just don't want to crash & burn again while I'm so incredibly close.
If it's not one of them, I desire someone incredibly new that can make me feel how I'm suppose to. I wish to be happy again & I've really been trying - I hope this desperate attempt of making something of myself is helping. I'm going to be new, fresh, & polished - regardless of what happens within the next couple of months.
I think I'm finally at the stage where I will move past & I will get over & forget about them. My 'friends' included. I'm making new friends - we get closer each day & I like it. I share more with them then the other people I hung around with... they weren't fun. But who do I turn to in my desperate time of need? My diary.

Something I really dislike about this thing is that I can only get my opinions & thoughts out of it. I can't turn back time & relive any of the moments. I can't find out what other people are thinking through this thing. Right now is one of those moments when I'd really like to know...
It's as if experiencing (or at least trying to) the things I wish would happen will happen. A difficult thing to explain but I sort of feel it... I think things are about to change drastically over the next month - for the better. & at least that makes me feel a little more happy.

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