ice storm
2006-10-16 @ 8:22P

Maybe I should listen to him more often. It's not like he's been proven wrong yet...

I'm really starting to miss having someone - anyone that I can trust &share anything about myself with - someone who I can spend almost all of my time with - someone who genuinely cares about me. I'm still trying to find new friends. I don't think I've quite recovered since Justin left but I can tell that I have progressed (at least slightly) because I never would have even thought about dating anyone else a few months ago.
I'm missing someone who'll hold me when I'm lonely. I'm missing someone who'll keep me company. I need someone who will warm me when I'm cold, write me notes, spend time with me & not feel shitty about it. I need to feel like somebody cares about me again because now I feel as if I have nobody at all to love me.

Then I saw someone today - twice. I'd never seen him before but he's cute & I'd like to get to know him. I've been thinking this about several guys lately & haven't had a chance to hardly speak with any of them because once I get my eye on someone - it's like they drift away. The guy stopped with the ice cream - so I stopped going. The guy in one of my classes stopped getting on my bus afterschool. The guy who had a locker next to mine moved it & goes with different people at lunch - to different places. Why is it that I feel like I'm not meant to be around anyone? It seems as though anyone is avoiding me. My "friends" have stopped saying hello in the hallways. & if I'm alone they never ask me why I am - just what I'm doing & walk away. Even if I'm not doing anything. But when I cry - & it all comes out - who do you think is going to be there crowding me trying to figure out what's wrong when they should know very well & yet refuse to see it.
I'm lost in all aspects of my life in this moment it's all overwhelming me & just attempting to talk to someone about my problems brings tears to my eyes & a lump in my throat. My father tells me that we may even be moving again - probably sometime after Christmas. He plans on getting a new job & then looking for another apartment. This is great news for me, but I will do pretty much anything in order to avoid having to get that bus after school. If it means moving again - fine & if it means having to walk home everyday - I can do that too as long as I have ways around this I'll be OK. More or less I'm hoping we move - &that this time comes soon. I tried to meet people around here & I tried to make friends but I just don't fit in. But one thing is for sure - I am not going back to the people who once considered themselves my friends unless they work damn hard to win me back.

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