2006-10-13 @ 8:33P

I am sitting drinking my flat coke of the day because it takes me three hours to down it. My hands are dry & cracked because I've washed them so much today. I have the sniffles & there are tears running down my cheeks so fast that they don't stop there & fall right down my face.

I tell him that I don't want to be alone anymore & he says he knows. He wishes he could be here to hold me & make me feel better - smile - so that all the pain will go away. I smile because of this but he can't see it because I'm on the other side of the computer screen. & he's telling me how I need to move on & forget all of my past, that it's happened & there is nothing I can do, he's telling me to forget Justin & to try & move on - flirt with some boys & be yourself he says - they will fall in love with you anyway. When I tell him I don't know how & that I'm not sure if I can we're silent for ten minutes until I pour everything out & say I have nothing left to give.
And I don't.

I ran into the bathroom about five times getting tissues & washing my face & hands - trying to hide the tears & the redness. I keep telling myself not to cry & not to let the tears fall. Another defizzed gulp of burning sensation lurches down my throat &i'm the only one online - nobody to talk to - completely alone: abandoned.

It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't stuck in like this for almost a year straight now. I was losing them all along & I should have seen it. When I thought I was winning them back it ended up being the complete opposite. They hate me & I equally will love them. So as long as we're not talking I might as well sign off.

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