This simply sucks. Nothing I write on here can describe the way I feel right now. I'm clean &yet incredibly filthy. I'm beautiful yet disgusting. I'm alone &lonely &nobody is going to save me &I can't stand it. I failed to mention previously that last night I awoke crying for him to come back. I miss him so much &I feel like the communication between us is dying. I want to cry out for him because he's the only one I care about. I don't want anyone else; just him. But I guess that fact doesn't matter to him anymore (or maybe it does &he can't tell me) I just wish I understood why we aren't together anymore. I expected something so much deeper from him. But in the end I guess that's why it became my fault. Maybe I am just incapable of being loved. He was the only one who ever cared. &I need him now more than ever. Am I an idiot for still caring? Is it wrong for me to still think about him every day? I want him to think of me too... but I'm sure now that he's happier without. I'm learning to be without such love, but it's difficult. Everyday it gets easier though I still don't think I'll ever get over him. I don't want time to heal me, I want to remember him forever. Should I still be counting the days &the months I've been without him? I just want one more shot. I hate not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to fix us. I've fucked up every single relationship I've been in &I'm tired of ruining things. I try so hard to keep a friend out of them &I never do. I only want someone to care for me.

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