2006-07-27 @ 10:52 p.m.
I wish there was something more in my life to keep me going: something guaranteed that if I make it to a certain point in my life I will have _____ or achieve _____. I'd love to know
for sure that someone is going to love me &people will care for me. But I don't. I'm living my life just hoping right now. I'm just trying to keep faith that things will get better, &some days that faith wavers but I still attempt to hold on. There are so many things I'm expected to do in my life &it's difficult for me to simply continue on living; I'm not even considering the fact that I'm supposed to live up to specific expectations. I want to believe that someone is going to be there for me in the end of all this suffering &hurt that I'm going through. I want to believe that my family &friends will change whatever's in their heads &start appreciating me as a person instead of who I'm "meant" to become. It makes me feel as if each of them are holding onto some kind of dream that their child or grandchild or great grandchild or friend is going to be some kind of superstar but I know I just can't live up to that. I desire to have a life of fun with a degree, a career, a husband, a home. I can't do everything everyone else wants me to do. I am an extremely fragile person in this moment &I cannot take the pressures that are being put onto me. I need to set goals for myself. &that's what every person who's ever cared for me has been trying to tell me, &I never listened. I was too caught up in being someone I'm not.
In all honesty, I suck at making recordings &singing to music. I suck at playing that guitar. I suck at crafts, making friends, doing hair &gossiping. &I'm way too short to become a runway supermodel. I am not going to have children, &I'm not going to become an artist. My parents are not going to like my husband &I know it. I'm not getting five billion degrees in things like sciences, literature, or maths. I won't do nails for a living. I know this now &am building myself on it. I will not let myself give up on what I want anymore because I don't care what anyone else wants for me.
I hate the fact that people think their lives would be better if they were "my size" or if they looked more like me. Because nothing is easy. I may weigh less than 100lbs but that doesn't mean I don't have problems with my body. Sometimes I think I am way too large for my height because I see 6' tall girls who look like they weigh less than I do in magazines. &at the rate I'm going I will probably end up a diabetic in twenty years down the line. I don't take things like that^ as a compliment, because it isn't in my mind. Being around the people who bring me down like that hurts after awhile &I don't think they realize how hard I try to avoid them.
Some days I really want to send out those letters that I've written &let people know how I really feel but even I can't be that cold or selfish. Things feel as if they are only getting harder for me right now. This weekend does not look too promising but I will make the most of it: day by day. It may take a few tries to get the smile right &a few good long &hard cries in the shower before I feel normal again, but I'm going to try. Doing the best that I can.
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