What it's like being alone
2006-07-22 @ 1:22A

For so long I've desired to be loved &to actually feel love. I want it again but I don't. It's as if anyone can ask me to be their girlfriend but yet I'm not interested in new love. I'm still not over either Jeff or Justin &I get the feeling that I never will be. I'd fucking love it if I could have a chance with either of them again. I wouldn't fuck up. But life doesn't give you second chances.
There are so many things I regret with each of them I just wish I had appreiciated them more because they were a couple of the most significant people in my life &my experiences with them have shaped who I am today. &I really wish I had the courage to call them &say a better goodbye because they have no clue how much they mean to me.
I would give my life &my soul if I could just spend an hour in love again. I ache for it so badly that it's become my only hope &goal in my life. I want to feel cared about. I want to be held &surrounded in someone's arms. I want to feel a real smile again ¬ something phoney for a picture or someone's joke. I need to be a real person &stop acting. I just want someone to be close to. I need to know that somebody sincerely cares about me &how I feel &whether or not I end up dead tomorrow.
It's torture.

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