if you
2006-06-17 @ 11:27P

I wish I could be a beautiful, special person. A respectful, kind, pretty, dream-like girlfriend that every boy wishes they could be with. I wish I had an amazing body, posture, & capacity for alcohol. I wish I could share something incredibly wonderful with someone I love. I wish I could be fantastic in bed &out. Most of all, I just desire to be everything you want me to. I feel like in order for someone to love me, I cannot be myself, although I was as real as I could be every time I've fallen in love, I've been myself.
I've been waiting for what seems like forever for this school year to be over, & now that it finally is I want next year to begin. I want to be a senior & enjoy the last bits & pieces of high school that I can while it lasts. But at the same time this is my last Summer, & I can't decide what I'd rather be doing.
One month ago or more, I wanted nothing else than to get totally wasted & drain in my misery. But when I did there was just as much of a void as there is when I am sober. So you start to wonder what the point is. I think when it boils down to the basic needs of human beings: all you need is love. & I feel as if I don't even have that. I'm afraid that if I don't change & become good enough for someone I'll slowly wither like a flower & die off painfully. I'm afraid I will starve like a plant that never gets watered & always sits in the shade. I just wish someone cared about me & what's happening.
I don't understand anymore.

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