days like that
2006-06-17 @ 8:30P

Father's Day is tomorrow &I did actually end up getting something this year. Maybe not as meaningful as it should be, but it's something more than nothing. I really hate celebrating holidays like this because really it's just a scam for places like Wal*Mart to get more customers during the dead times of the year. *coughValentine's Day!cough* But whatever, it makes my family happy.
I was shocked when I woke up this morning &didn't end up looking like a lobster. SPF 50 is definately what I'll be sticking with from now on.
Today was a really down day for me &I can't exactly pin-point an accurate reason why. I just laid in bed for the majority of the afternoon when I knew well that outside we were having rare summer heat for this city, but I didn't care. I laid in bed, trembling, with tears swelling up in my eyes but I would not - couldn't let them fall. I realize I turn inward with my emotions, & I know that people don't like that about me, but I'm never going to feel good enough unless someone gives me a real reason to believe that. & if I ever tell anyone that all they simply say is "You are." & I'm sorry to anyone who has done that, but it doesn't make me feel any better at all. I need someone to care for me & to be here & to love me. Or I won't feel like I have anything else. &that's how I feel right now. I was yet again contemplating suicide &if anyone found out - how hard would they try to stop me from doing anything? Words don't mean much to me when words are all you hear. Everything everyone says to me lately are just words without meaning. Nobody tells me what they're really feeling. I never know if anyone cares about me & that hurts considering the amount of time &effort I spend trying to help others &letting them know I love them. I need someone to wrap their arms around me, telling me things that I can actually believe &accept. &I don't get that from anyone now, now that I need it the most. When boys walk out on me, I don't recover like I should. To everyone around me, I seem like I snap back like I'm enjoying being single again. Truthfully, I'm hating it. I've never felt more completely &entirely alone before in my life. If these people who call themselves my friends were to walk by me on the street, they wouldn't give me a second glance. I'm invisible to everyone &I wish I could just disappear. I desire the truth. What do they like about me &what do they hate. I need to know what I'm doing right &what I'm doing wrong. Tell me my faults, my strengths, &my weaknesses. Tell me why you want to be with me, don't want to be with me, why you love me, or hate me. Tell me everything you think you know about me, &tell me why you treat me the way you do. Tell me if you'd like me better or worse if I changed to suit your 'needs'. Tell me am I being fake or real, &do you think I'm invisible. Do you think I'll end up as a nobody, going nowhere, doing nothing? Tell me if you think I can afford the things I want, &if I deserve the things I have. Tell me if you want to kill me or live for me baby because I need to know.

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