too much to ask
2006-05-31 @ 10:35P

I've been talking with a couple of people lately who I never thought I could have such deep conversations with. I've actually found someone who is going through the same thing as me [&it isn't who you'd think it'd be] &it's good feeling that I'm not completely alone. &these are new people that I can act like a new &different person around. I'm opening up more I'm understanding my feelings better & realising that I'm not so alone. &sometimes I really do feel like shit. &I can tell them how I feel like the ugliest person on earth &have them tell me something I never would have known or even thought about.
In these past few days I've felt so upside down &everything that within one hour I'm content with myself &the next I'd rather be dead. Except unlike all the other girls I know who want to die: I have no one there for me who's backing me up. No matter how much support it seems like I have it's not what I need when it's all said &done.
The only thing I desire in my lifetime is marriage &that's all it ever has been for as long as I can remember. &when you have guy after guy beating you down &telling you that you're the one who's not good enough to be loved, you start to believe it &pretty soon you completely stop trying too. All this week I've been preparing for my death &if someone doesn't tell me to think otherwise I'll fade away.
The security in all this is that nobody reads this anymore &I'll spend the rest of my time acting happy &perfect so nobody can ever think something went wrong. I can't stop to think anymore there's just nothing left to live for.

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