I'm sitting in my room writing an entry & crying. Wow have i ever changed. How fucking emo is that. i remember a time when i couldnt cry, even if i thought about sad things. i was always numb. now i dont do anything BUT feel.
there's chocolate & candy laying around everywhere & I have no desire for any of it right now. Being the 83% religious person I am, Easter is a Christian's most important holiday & we turn it into bunnies & chocolate. I'm just getting really tired of the media sucking in everyone's money.
I didn't mention that the heater is on (so the chocolate is probably melted) but I remember only 2 years ago I had my fan turned on in February & here we are April with the heat on. *sighs* Anyway I started working on my scrapbook again. My scrapbook basically consists of all the goals I would like to accomplish in my life. its what i work on to keep me in the mood to conintue living. i make a lot of collages & sometimes write words down. as soon as I got home today I went online looking for pictures of everything I want to own etc... Right now it looks like I need to buy some more magazines. Truthfully, I did this because I'm intimidated. I don't think i'm ready to graduate yet & the idea that it's only a year away scares the piss out of me. i have been working on this scrapbook since i was 13. it has helped me to take my mind off suicide & gotten me through a lot. im not ready to give up on that hobby. but it's another step. Uni will be another stage in my life when i'll hopefully be closer to what i've always wanted? should be a good way to meet new people. so to help my fear of graduation & everything that goes with it i'm getting a job, just not until after we move & i finish the 1st goal I've got on the go right now.
The trip wasn't so great but i'm glad we went. I would have liked to come back home earlier than we did. But it only seemed to make me more stressed out.
The more that I think about it the more I want to move out of here. But my problem is that I look at where we're going instead of the process getting anywhere. I don't want to go through all my junk from old friends & boyfriends when I'm trying to move on. I think i just feel like moving will give me the closure I'm looking for. maybe i wont go through it & just end up chucking it all in the trash. i might be putting too much hope in that but in a sense this home represents new friendships & a new love for me. But in this area of the city I think of good times with Sara & new friendships that are never working out & Justin. But I dont spend any time with those people anymore so it's time to move on. Just how this side of town gives me memories of drugs, old friends, sad & empty goodbyes, shitty parties, & my past in essence. I'm dreadfully afraid of failure & that is all this "home" reminds me of. A failed life & with change maybe i become a new person again. & it doesn't help that they are starting to mix with bad breakups & drug dealers living beside us. I can't help but be a little hurt when I walk around here.
I'd like to move i think. The only memories I have around school are leaving my pet fish to be taken care of & a few random times with Mark & sure I did the most drugs up there but at least the few
memories I have are happy in general. I'll never get over Justin & my past friends if I stay here. Actually I was beginning to think I wouldn't get over him at all... I just want a boy to love me so badly I'm getting to the point of desperation. I was crying again last night because I thought of that. It was someone else's strange bed & I couldn't sleep but the possibility hit me:: If there are so many other freaky people out there who found someone to love them than why can't I? Why am i such a freak of nature? Then I started crying again because I thought of the answer:: Guys at my age simply don't waste their time with girls
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