Anywhere With You
2006-04-11 @ 10:51P

Another hour I spend crying in my bedroom dwelling on the fact that I'll never be good enough. I guess that's what people mean when they say life's hard & it sucks. I hate how I'm accepting something that I don't even know what could happen in the future. I just had so much hope that Justin & I would pull through everything & actually last... I'm still in shock that it happened again. This happened to me twice now & I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn from this. I thought I was the type of person who learned from their mistakes but I guess not. I still haven't truly healed from Jeff but it did take me six months before I even dated someone else again. But I doubt I'll be over Jeff ever anyway - he was my first love after all, but something just felt so right (for lack of a better word) between me & Justin. It was almost perfect. I guess I just don't understand - I probably never will but I need to so badly I don't know how to get closure any other way. It feels like a funeral & I wish it didn't. Even when I was depressed & addicted to drugs I wanted my relationships to end in some kind of closeness or friendship but nobody kept me when we were over, even Dave & we were almost friends - I guess... but he didn't want me for anything else once he saw that I'd moved on. I remember him saying how I used to be so cool & then I got stiff. I think I've mastered the art of writing with blurry eyes & crying silently.

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