I graduate soon. a little over a year. school is going by so fast I feel like i've only enjoyed a small slice of what I could have. a few days. maybe a week, & a week of vacation time. the girls are already talking about prom & their plans for when they graduate. when i was 13 i can remember how i always thought i would be dead by now, & have killed myself, i cant even believe i'm still here, here I am still waiting
. struggling. suffering. trying to stick it out. hoping that life will get better. hoping i can climb out of this depression.
With everyone i thought i had supporting me, the truth is none of them would cry at my funeral. & i'm giving myself deadlines again. before 15, now 23: how many times am i waiting to do this? i've thought about it so many days, so many times. crying, laughing. mixed emotions. no emotions. do i write a note, what to write in the note. i've tried so
many times to change who i am because i was so desperate for someone to love me. i still am. i'm trying harder. somebody will love me. i will make them. they have to. or it's all going to end very horrifically. i dont want anyone to find my body. i cant just drown in my bathtub. or take all the pills & go to bed. i cant starve myself how i like because people would notice. all the problems in my life were caused by the people around me or me. i don't think i can change anymore - for better. i just don't think i can. but i'm going to make an attempt. i've had a dream that i would have that perfect high school romance for as long as i can remember. that would last. somebody would fall in love with me right away & never get bored, never need to experience anyone else: always knowing i was the right one for them. always knowing it was me. i don't think i can give that up, but graduation is only a year away. & its so unrealistic. maybe not here, but in the broad scheme...
Which brings me to my next issue: moving. we have to move less expensive apartment. i'm okay with that but the major issue is that fact that we need a lot of space & it's going to be difficult to find. so the reason for moving is so my parents can save money in order to pay for my graduation from high school.
I like our location & the home we live in now but i'm more ready for a change because the memories i have in this place are hard enough to get over as it is. If we were somewhere else I wouldn't always be thinking certain things when I walk into a room like this is where i last kissed him
& shit like that.
Another thing i just noticed - my scars are starting to fade, & my cuts are starting to heal again. That makes me happy.
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