2006-02-16 @ 7:13 p.m.

I sit here, trying to write a poem. It's hell. Piecing words together to describe something & make it sound good so that it contains everything I've been taught is so extremely difficult because-well, I don't know how.

I'm so left out of my group but so in with the others. All I ever want to do is cry... but when I attempt to share something special with someone they act as if it isn't a big deal [& to me it is] But nobody ever understood that but you, seth. & now I'm lost without any true friends, who will stand beside me when I'm happy & when I'm not. & as soon as I need people more than ever, they all leave me. Nobody will ever love me the way I need them to. Because nobody will ever understand me. & that's a terrible thing to have to say, but it's the simple truth really. I'm just lucky I have the privacy when I can sit, cry, & write an entry---just like the old times. Except now it's worse. I don't have the comfort of just leaving or cutting or making a phone call. I can't do those things anymore. Instead I must sit & cry until I either cannot cry anymore, or someone makes me stop. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever cried so much. As hard as the worst year of my life might have been, I rarely ever cried about it. & now I'm starting to pick up the pieces & I can't numb the pain anymore. I want to have a new life: Where when I cry, my boyfriend holds me & actually cares why I'm crying; where when I'm alone, I don't feel it because I always have a deeper connection with someone; where when I'm with friends we could have meaningful conversations that actually made us take action in our lives. I'm not saying I hate my life---I just wish I could have all these things that I do not.

& now that I've realized this diary hasn't helped me stop crying for once, I'm looking for more chocolate...

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