2006-02-14 @ 9:40 p.m.

I have no idea how I find time to continue updating this thing but I guess it must be what I need... Finally had a snow day yesterday---first Winter storm of the season ever. & I can't exactly say that it was well spent. I mean parts of the day were fun, I guess. But even shopping & going out "having fun" with friends can take my mind off of the things I really want. I'll never get over myself, my life, them. There's so much I want & it's all so simple but apparently there are only two guys that can give it to me. & I don't have a chance with either of them anymore & I hardly even know why. Actually, forget hardly I don't. & I cannot understand how I'm suppose to learn from this "experience" if I don't even know what I did wrong? So what? You tell a guy you love them; what exactly is the lesson learned there? Give up on love? Stop saying I love yous? Maybe that was all just an excuse, & it probably is but I have no clue what it's even covering. I can't learn from this if I don't know what I did wrong! I'm never going to learn if this keeps happening in different ways...which hopefully, it doesn't. Once was enough---twice too much. What did I do to deserve this? What the fuck did I do? But no, I'll never find out because I don't even deserve that either. I cannot afford to cry every day & night anymore-I just can't::it's too unhealthy. But what else am I supposed to do? It's not like there's any logical explanation for it...

This shit would be so much easier to get over if I actually knew what my mistakes were. Or if they even were my mistakes. Why can I never get a real reason?
Haven't you heard? Boys are now afraid of 4' tall 80lb girls.

Need I be more obvious? fuck someone just kill me I'm not building anymore character

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