I don't believe in friends forever
2006-02-01 @ 8:09 p.m.

I hate what she is doing to me. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I have been going through so much. But everyone was right about her. They were all right about her all along. & I don't know if I want to do this anymore. She has me listening to her problems & I never hear anything good or positive ever. What she doesn't realize is that it's taking a huge toll on me. You save it all for me you stupid bitch & I know that's the truth. She never wants my opinion or advice-she just wants to sit there & bitch at me about whatever she can for however long I let her. & I hate that but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do about it unless I do it now, but I need advice on how-so really this will probably just continue to happen until one of us dies. *** Anyway, I feel like I can never have a good enough-long enough rant about how badly she treats me. I really despise it. But there isn't anyone I can turn to for help unless I know they will genuinely be there for me. & nobody really is that I feel safe with trusting anymore. Sure I can trust five people with my life but not a simple task. Maybe I just want to die deep down inside. Maybe I do. But not before I do something about the way she is acting. This is just cruel. What I am going through I know we are supposed to be friends but hell, I'm sick of friends now! I just want to go out & have a good time. Just how I always have & yet you insist on calling us friends. I couldn't care less if I ended up calling a new person every week-fucking around- & then ending the "relationship/friendship/commitment" because so far everything I have tried to be committed to has either left or failed me. & no I might not know why-but in this perspective...does it even matter? I had so many dreams & ideas for us. Us= all relationships I've had with everyone. & the only one I see working out right now is the one with my parents. Because we're family & that's probably not a good enough reason but at least it is a reason. But no matter what I put here, I will always love each of you in a way I have never loved anybody else. That is somehow special.

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