2005-12-23 @ 2:15 p.m.

I remember, over a year ago now, how happy I was. Just like it was yesterday, taking the dog out for walks & admiring the lights as snow fell & melted on my coat. I loved it, because, it was perfect, just like you are. Seems like the reason I love you. But we can't be we anymore. & I'm trying desperately not to let this ruin my holidays & Christmas. I just cannot help but look back at how perfect everything was last year & look at it now with disgust & know that it's all my fault it's that way.
Not even having his shirt on my bare skin helps anymore. I can't smell him or feel him anymore. Because, truthfully I don't know him anymore. But the last one was different. I thought we could actually last through our love because I actually believed he loved me. What a sucker I was, & technically-still am. Not even having the objects that we exchanged helps anymore. I can't smell or feel him. & I regret completely that I didn't 17 days ago---just hug him I thought, just lean in & kiss him & tell him how sorry you are & he'll forgive you. But I never did. I spent so much time just staring at him & debating whether or not to do those things that he left. It was so fast I was shocked. & I still haven't completely hit. It's all my fault I acted like I was pushing him along to just---we're separated. & that's all my fault.
I pushed both of those boys away without having any intention of actually pushing them away. I've hardly spoken to either of them since, & I can't look at either of them anymore. I remember he said he liked being with me & enjoyed spending his time with me, rather than with his friends. But when I told him the truth, he left. & I remember he said he loved me, & wanted to be with me too, for the rest of our lives. Then, he left. How is it that these two boys have so many different qualities & emotions toward me but yet they act & are the same. ??

What is it with me & December...I always fall in love in December. This year I have no person to love as a whole-but I have given so much away to the others I have cared for- I don't know how much more I have left to give.

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