Red Poison
2005-11-13 @ 8:49 p.m.

I know, I have to stop. I wonder if you could guess what I do when I run away (literally). Do you know? I somehow doubt you do. No matter how much I tell you, it won't matter. & it will not change your opinion of me. Because you're dead that way, just like me. & it makes me realize how close we really are. Soulmates. So much alike it's almost perfect.

All I need to know is that what I do causes pain to anyone other than myself. Honestly, I think it does not. But if it does, & I'm convinced--I'll stop. I know I have to stop no matter what but it hurts. I can't talk to anyone or tell anyone how I truly feel- besides this diary. Even now I'm restricted of the things I write here. Too many people know of this already. Whether they still view it or not. I never should have caved in when they asked. & I know now that I never should again. Because someday, if I do, it'll be just like this all over again & nothing will change. I'm becoming convinced nothing is ever going to change with me anymore. I'll be stagnant & the same problems & aspects in my life will reoccur until I get them right. The way I'm feeling right now I feel like I'll never have it corrected.

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