Maybe I'm better off alone
2004-12-11 @ 12:03 p.m.

Everything I've said to you guys is effecting or connected to how I think and what I'm feeling right now. I know you guys are listening, just not for what you need to be. I'm screaming to you now. Calling out, because I need you guys. How come, it seems, I'm always there for you, but you're never there for me? You guys make the things I desire seem impossible to reach. When I know they're not. I'm becoming what I want to be. I'm just not feeling what I want. I'm breaking through the walls around me, and learning the pain and agony that is: suffering. I'm no longer numb inside. What I feel outside these walls, I do not like. But I know I will learn to, I will learn something from this. Just like I always do. I'm almost at the point of emotional meltdown, and then I save myself. Perhaps my needs are too much? Am I asking for something I cannot receive? Maybe. But I have been nothing but a true, sincere, bundle of happiness to you guys and I get what in return? Yeah. I think it's time I've started living for myself now. Which is sad to say, being as close as it is to Christmas, but you brought it upon yourselves. And it all comes back to me. That's why I can't handle you guys anymore.

And this is how I can smile in the morning:: Because it's Saturday, and I know I won't have to look at you guys today if I don't feel like it. But I'll let you in on a secret, there's someone that makes me feel like I should. Happy. And even more than that. But this is our secret, and just because you don't know who it is yet, doesn't mean you never will. You guys aren't stupid after all. And when you do realize who this person is, you will judge me by it. I know because that's how you guys are. But see, I've overcome my problem now, and I don't care how you judge me. Because I will hold you guys to your promises. And if you choose to break them, maybe I'll be better off without you guys. You don't know how much this idea kills me inside, so please don't tell our secret. No, I'm probably not talking about the person you think I am: those days are long gone. You see, I like a change unlike you guys seem. But that's only me after all. Somehow I think that mere words cannot really speak what I feel. For they're only words, used to describe, symbols, things that "mean" something. To me, there aren't enough, or the word I'm looking for hasn't been invented yet. No, that word isn't love, but definately comes close to it.

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