I'll Never Be That Way
2004-11-25 @ 10:25 p.m.

I'm not living the same life anymore. I'm not what I once was. I've changed so many times, trying to decide between: 1)who I think I am 2)who I want to be 3)what others see me as and 4)what I once was. You can't really tell by talking to me about it, I can't exactly explain. But you can see the way I've changed when you look at me. You can tell once you clue in, that is, if you clue in.(see the previous entry) But I am grateful, still.

There's a change of pace. Some days, I just don't even want their eyes on me. But he's always an exception, always. I don't think I'm exactly over-reacting here, but I don't know why it is that I'm so upset anymore. I think it's the things that have been happening, all the things, are so negative, mashed together, it's all I can feel. It's all I can concentrate on. I'm failing to see the positives in anything lately. My situation isn't settled. I can only seem to focus on the bad and negative things. So I become part of it. Abusing anything and everything that is in my way. I haven't been this angry since the spring of 2002. And that fact alone really hurts inside me. I never want to feel this again.

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