2004-08-11 @ 1:25 p.m.
I've never really had a boyfriend. This one guy, I'm not mentioning any names, but I really wished I had gotten into a more serious relationship with him. Another guy, really was my 'boyfriend' but it didn't seem so real, we didn't treat each other any differently than when we were just friends, we kept it a secret. It never was very much for gossip. I was 'with' him for, roughly, three months. I can remember the days when we would hang out and out of nowhere somebody would say something like "You should date" or "You'd be a good couple"...how little they knew. I've had many awkward silences then. I remember fucking a guy I had known for just two weeks. After that, there was nothing there and we split with mutual affection. If there was even anything there to begin with. I've said a lot of things and tried to be independent, but inside, I really need somebody that can touch me with true affection, and can make me laugh, and can balance my insane emotional scale that's nearly off the charts. Somebody that isn't me. I've been ready and waiting for this for a very long time, I may never say those three words that I've heard so many times in so many different ways. I don't ever choose my heart. And thankfully, that's one thing I will never regret.
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