The scars are beginning to show
2004-06-28 @ 10:38 a.m.

2003 Hallowe'en, I was at a 'party'. Which was nothing short of sloths & egotistical bastards. The trend was cutting, at the time. Everybody displayed their scars. As if it's some type of award, or priviledge to be wearing pain. Now however, I'm ashamed to say I was one of them. Cutters.

The long story starts with the beginning of a school year. Grade 8. I wrote in a diary every day that year. & everyday I would hide behind a mask. Pretending everything was 'fine'. I became inivisible & nobody cared with the new girl around. Even the teachers teased me. I was coming into realization with the world. I had thoughts of attempting suicide because I felt the world would be no different with me around. So I would cut. Along with this one other girl, she felt the same way I did. And I'm glad to say we're both completely different people now. Last year, to us, was the year we grew up. Maturing past everybody we knew. & they still haven't caught up with us.

We cut as a form of release for our pain. As if we were the people that had done something wrong, & doing this form of self harm would teach us a lesson, yet make the pain go away. We both eventually reached the point where we couldn't feel the pain of cutting anymore. & decided to move on. Eating Disorder was the next on the list. It was easy for us to keep ourselves away from food at school, but at the end of day, another form of release would catch up with you. This went on for the rest of the school year. People only started to see the changes when we weren't invisible anymore. They would actually notice that we weren't eating, & they could see the drastic changes in our face. Since we covered up the weight we had lost with baggy clothes, a couple sizes too big, it took a while before they would mention anything about it. At this time, almost the end of the school year, both of us had changed, a lot. Our hair was always unclean & our skin became pale, almost ghostly. It became work just trying to hide the changes. When the school year ended, I knew couldn't go on with the eating disorder any longer. So I forced myself to change. I knew going into highschool would be a completely new thing for me, & thought that it would be the best time to change. So I did. & it was definately for the better.

My grandparents had bought me a book. Which I read over & over the whole summer. With this, I became more optimistic & had a much more positive attitude & outlook on the world. I will never look back. I've now lost contact with the girl that shared my problems, but I hope she doesn't look back either.

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