I miss really writing in this thing. Not just the basics of what's going on but putting down every little detail of my day I can remember & analysing the shit out of it. I don't want to be in fear of what someone will think based off of what I have written here.
I miss him badly & I can only really talk to one person about it. Nobody else seems to understand except a few random people I casually chat with & share the same problem in common. I always thought it... nevermind. The risk of people I don't want reading this is far too high for me to express myself... & I never understood why people lock their diaries... I don't want to have to lock it I want to be able to feel free when I put things in here... not scared or worried & restrained knowing that nobody will hear what I've written. I could always get a new one... but this thing has history I don't want to lose just yet.
I thought things were going well - then today he said something that upset me. What did I do to deserve to feel this way? Caused a little bit of pain perhaps...this so isn't worth it. All I want is 2 things - both pretty harmless but I still feel would better me. To some people these goals would seem stupid - lame... not real goals - meaningless. But to me it's an ending to another chapter in my life. That is something I've been waiting for quite some time now... & since I see the opportunity in front of me after so much waiting - who wouldn't try & cease it?

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