2006-05-03 @ 5:45 p.m.
So I've been sitting here debating on whether to attempt to overdose or not for a few years. & a little reluctantly, I swallowed two pills & put the container back into the bathroom cabinet. Now I'm sitting here feeling naked yet comfortable, I'm not sure what to write. I guess the reason I took those pills was because I want to sleep for more than three hours tonight. I sort of think there's more to drugs than just that.
A few people have told me that time heals all wounds but I still consider myself to be a heartbroken, sad, recovering bulimic & self injurer. I stopped cutting myself the day Justin & I broke up. It's a little strange to me in that sense because it wasn't anything like what I had planned for our relationship at all that day. You might think that would give me more of a reason to cut, but as soon as someone broke a promise to me, I couldn't continue breaking mine to seth. I almost can't believe that only a few nights ago I sat on my toilet & wished I as skinnier. Time hasn't healed my wounds. I was 13 the last time I stuck something down my throat with the intention of becoming thinner. Not only that but before the dance I thought about geting baked - that was just last week.
I hate how life went on after Jeff, & I found Justin. & now that he's gone I want to die even more. Here I go again - just writing entries makes me cry now. Ever since Justin left I haven't wanted anyone & I am living for the dumbest reasons. I doubt I will ever want another person. But I know now that I quite simply didn't feel like I'll ever want to fall in love again. Provided that I pass this year, I'll only have one year or high school let & unless some boy happens to suddenly fall out of the sky I doubt that I'm going to get what I want.
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