2006-04-12 @ 8:47 p.m.
Today was better than yesterday but still [unbelievably] managed to cause the same degree of stress for me as Monday. my parents & i dont speak anymore. i just eat my dinner in the office, where i study & do work for school. they leave me out of all the plans. im continually left out of every deicision & treated like a child still. i don't like that but nothing can make it change. i would not have known until the day we go somewhere. so i end up looking like i fuck off on anyone i were to make plans with. if i had time to have friends. my great grandfather is not in good shape. he is sick & might die by the vacation. my parents didn't want to stress me out with exams & the jobfest event yesterday. What bothers me the most about that is that everything is agreed to & signed on paper. my family has all seen him & they're basically just waiting for him to die. in other words, they've told him it's okay to die. i don't exactly like that attitude but apparently he's suffering & i'd rather him have what he wants. it would being a hypocrite of me to say he shouldn't as someone who desires death so much herself.
As far as the moving situation i dont know, but i know i will be moving again soon. i don't agree with that idea much either but my parents have decided that & i just have to go with it.
i hate feeling so left out of the loop of everything. Even with my family now. I used to feel secure & loved by them & now i dont, I'm alone - like I have nobody that I can turn to. we dont even speak. the only thing keeping me alive right now is the fact of how terrible I would feel if I killed myself & everyone was sad & missed me. but yet i dont really think anybody WOULD be sad. they might. i dont know. just the possibility of someone feeling down at the thought of my death, even for a minute, sickens me... it's truthfully what I want. but i never wanted to make anyone else sad. i dont know what would be worse, me hurting people while continuing to live my life, or me hurting people by ending it all forever. but I know people wouldn't be happy with me, regardless of how much I wanted it. i dont think people are happy with me either way.. i'm starting to hate myself & my life more & more each day. im less involved & treated like I don't deserve anything. but I can't tell anyone how I feel because nobody would understand...or listen anymore. they are all too busy with their own lives. the most I can do is rant in this stupid thing & try to keep whatever sanity i may have left.
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