2006-03-26 @ 8:04 p.m.
Another kid died last night, it was supposedly from overdose on something. Not a suspected suicide though. So many people have been affected by this in the past few days you could walk through the school & pretty much hear a pin drop. It's been depressing & yeah it's been tough so we should have something to cheer us up. All we have to look forward to right now is midterms. & I have a strange feeling I'm in the probability to fail the functions & relations course. I think it should be cancelled. It's unfair especially to the students & teachers who were affected by these deaths. Even the people who don't know are hurt by it all. It seems as if every time somebody dies, you think of someone else you know who was thinking of doing the same thing or has tried or has wanted to for some time & just cannot bring themselves to do it.
I hate knowing that my parents would be so hurt if I had killed myself 3 years ago. Or even last month. That guilt keeps me living my hated life. I care JUST enough about them to keep kicking. But this is really terrible. There are so many bad things happen in a day... My only things to be grateful for are my basic neccessities. There's only one thing stopping me from doing it right now - & that's the thoughts & hopes of having the life I've always wanted.
I'm actually beginning to believe I can, maybe, achieve it. I've been waiting for my life to start & stop for what seems like my entire life. In total I must have thought about suicide around thousands of times. I've thought about it daily for months straight now, more often that daily. Consistently. Actually thinking about it. Really thinking it through in EVERY detail. Looking at the pros & cons & analysing it until I made a decision for the day.
I've made a decision every day, too many times. Once to kill myself. Twice to kill myself. 3 times to die for sure & by the fourth I made a promise. I had sworn I wouldn't to you because you were the only 1 there to stop me. & still are pretty well the only one stopping me from going through with it because of that idiotic promise... All I have is the hope I might see you again or the hope someone actually might, just by chance even, grow to love me. That would make it all worth it. That would make my suffering seem lame. 3 times I've cried for it now. What happens when I love someone again? If I can? I'm only fooling myself for you seth. This is a deeper issue than you know. I made a promise that hurts to keep. And you selfishly make me keep it. But I guess....you wouldn't know if I did go back on it...would you? You don't know about this diary anymore, I can't imagine you remember. I've been desperate for too long & I'm sick of being somebody I know I'm not. Sick of pretending to be a person who enjoys life & WANTS to live. HAHA! I hate my life. I hate life. I hate society. I hate politics. They are so wrong.
It comes down to the fact that I'm living for somebody whois presence I can't feel anymore. A person who said they will love me forever, in a moment. a fleeting moment. all I've ever wanted - is someone to love me. To love me just because they do. they think i'm awesome. they see something in me, a talent or anything. any reason to love me is good enough. but i hate myself. i dont love myself anymore, i was so cocky 3 years ago. i thought i could starve & puke my way to perfection. i want a guy to praise me, tell me I'm beautiful, think cute things. i want a guy that will call me every night because he loves me so much & not care if we have sex or eat binge on icecream or play outdoors as long as he's with me - he'd be happy. it wouldn't matter what we'd do or who we're with as long as we are with each other. But my problem is I can never make anyone feel that great. I'm not a good person. i cant even make myself feel good. Even if I tell him 'I love you' he won't care because of the way I act... I don't understand how to show my true emotion or my real feelings. i just stand around, frozen & trapped in my thoughts. i hate that. i hate not being able to express myself. expressing myself in destructive terrible ways. i hate that i cant ask for help. i cant reach out to adults. i cant talk to my friends. so much shame. inside. i hate knowing I'll never be good enough & I hate knowing that the only reason I'm alive right now is because of some stupid promise I don't even care about & a person i no longer know. What's the point in living if there's no love in your life? i feel no love. in this moment my life is loveless, other than the love i feel for those 2 boys who are LONG gone. at this point, I really would rather die. But I do it for you seth. & I do it for the hope that next year, or even maybe this year, in time, somebody will love me & sweep me off my feet & care for me enough to make me care for myself.
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