2006-03-22 @ 4:52 p.m.
Someone from school died last night. & I never thought of it as a big deal at first, but then when I got to school I couldn't help but wonder if everyone would have acted that way if it was me that killed myself. The first thing I remember thinking was questioning how his ex girlfried must have felt-or still does feel right now...
They say you can simply carry on like it's just another day
-be normal, act regular, "everything's fine" & "everything's going to be OK". But nothing I can say will change anyones mind. [or at least in my mind it won't] I'd love to be one of the people who can comfort anyone no matter what the case - but I don't think I can.
The problem here is that there are so many other people thinking of doing the same thing he did. Like me. I've wanted to be dead for so long now, but if I can help more person each time I think about it, maybe I can help prevent it. It seems as if everyone here is reminded of someone when they think of his death.
I think of myself as well, which probably isn't a good thing but still. It bothers me to think so many other people think they want the same thing. I thought I did. I still do a little. Maybe seeing how everyone reacted will make me second guess doing it. I think about it every day. Treat every day like it could be my last... tomorrow I'll take that cleaner, or that bottle of pills...tomorrow I'll just run into traffic, or jump off the bridge. But it helps knowing that I have a goal that is reachable although sometimes seems as if it's not. But I don't know what I'll do when I hit 23 if I havent reached my goal by that age...I'll probably be thinking the same thoughts all over again.
I just want a boy. I want a nice boy. I just want a nice boy who will love & care for me & treat me with kindness & decide to spend the rest of his life with me. Is that too heavy of a goal? Maybe it's stupid. Maybe I'm stupid. A dumb stupid young idiot girl.
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