2006-02-24 @ 9:02 p.m.
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately - the same as everyone else has. I need to do so many things before I actually graduate & that is only a year away. I keep remembering the Summers I spent with my friends every day & taking short trips to the beach with my parents listening to the tragically hip for the entire car ride to & back home. I'm going to miss that. & now I realize there's a ton of things I'm going to miss. Summer flings, friends, family, school, this city, my home, my schedule & routine, love...I'm going to be so alone in it all. & that is really the last thing I've ever wanted. My only dream/goal I wanted to accomplish was to get married - but now I'm giving up on that completely. There's nobody out there for me. Because simply, I'm not good enough for the best & not "bad" enough for the rest. & I never will be. It's difficult to write that on here now but I'm accepting it as the truth - even though I feel a lump in my throat. There's nothing I can do about that. Until I find my soulmate - I don't believe that anymore. It isn't real. & not only am I going to miss my relationships but I'll miss the things that people have done & still continue to do for me. Like how my parents will do my laundry or cook my meals if I ask them to - & sometimes I don't even have to ask. But to think that I'll be doing almost everything they're doing right now in not a far amount of time away is really scary. Yeah I don't really want any of this but I have to endure it - for them. The only way I can not is if I had some freak accident in a car or something like that. There really is no excuse for them. My parents don't know half of the things that have happened in my life & I can't tell them. I can't tell anyone truthfully, because I'm alone. I have nobody I can truthfully share my entire self with. & although I'm very close to a few people, I'll never be able to share my secrets because I've been living my entire life this way.
What a thought to end a diary entry with...
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