2005-06-29 @ 4:17 p.m.
There are a rare few days when I actually have to lay on the floor to calm myself down. That sickens me deeply. Literally, it makes me want to run to the bathroom & puke out my guts right now.
In the perspective of others on me, they would assume I'm either a very short tempered, angry person, or a happy-go-lucky teenage girl. I hate that, to myself, I seem like both of these. And I wonder why I can't be who and what I want. Why does somebody else always have to step in & say "I think she likes this better.." yadda yadda... When they don't even know me at all. I seriously cannot wait until I can leave. Just pack up & get out. Leaving everything & everyone I grew up with to just stay static as I go away & start a new life. That's what I want. To leave everything I know. I yearn to fly away from all the emotional problems I'm having here. I want to leave this city & everything in it. I want to move somewhere new, meet new people, see new things. I want to be able to enjoy my life. I'm not happy here anymore.
I want this for myself. For me to have a new start, a new beginning. A new chapter in my life. I'm sick of remembering. I want to leave my friends, family, memories, & home so I can get a fresh start. I want to go back to my old life when I was carefree & had no fear or worries. I wish I could control time & take it all away. But I can't. And it hurts to see people on the streets, happier than they've ever been. You'd think it would be comforting, but it's not. And I'm sickened by it. I want to create a new world for myself & live in the same fantasy I once had.
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